Disclaimer: The following post contains Profanity, Nostalgia, Bro Themes, Profanity, Stupidity, and contemporary game journalism. And Profanity.
Yeah, not that Blood Dragon! Naw, we’re going old school here.
I’m a child of the 80’s. I don’t mean I was born in December 1989 like some seem to be when they call themselves a child of the 80’s. No, I was a kid every goddamned day of my life… in every goddamned day of the 80’s. Had an Atari 2600, played a goddamned Commodore 64, typed up shitty text adventures out of books on a friend’s VIC-20 and saved that fucker to a cassette tape. We had SEGA, and a fuckload of over the top games. We nintendidn’t. On the screen, there was Terminator, we had Aliens, we had the fucking Predator, Snake Plissken and shit, the list… it goes on, but it’s gone on long enough. AND NOW IT HAS TO GO ON JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE. I grew up with Transformers, He-Man, Dino-Riders, and goddamned MASK.
None of that matters now, because this shit is all about FAR CRY 3. And I don’t mean your bullshit Jason Brody Far Cry 3. Terminator, Aliens, Predator, Dino-Riders, and fuck it, the rest of the 80s just had a baby. And it is one… ugly… mother fucker. It’s all about FAR CRY 3 BLOOD DRAGON MOTHERFUCKKKKEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR. It might play like the college douche flavour of FC3 that you’d touched before, but make no mistake, cause this shit don’t walk like Jason Brody’s game, and it sure as shit doesn’t talk like it either goddamn it shit fucker shit goddamn it.
Blood Dragon is set in the future, like 1997 or some shit. Nuclear war has fucked shit up, and nobody’s spared. Even goddamned Australia was mentioned thank fuck! We’re always forgotten in everybody’s goddamned apocalypse pla– wait, maybe that’s not a good thing. So in the future, every goddamned hard-ass fucking bastard is half machine. You play as Cyber Commander Sergeant Rex Power Colt, and you’re pissed as fuck at Tron for making it impossible to sleep. Everything glows.
After some bullshit and some retro cutscenes, and then some more bullshit, you find out you have to take out a few enemy cyberninjasoldiers. Or will have to. After the tutorial.
AM I SETTING THE MOTHERFUCKING TONE YET?
This is not a game that takes itself seriously. It’s not a game that takes anything seriously. It doesn’t take you seriously either, goddamn it. It’s cheesy, it’s over the fucking top, and it’s just all and all goddamned amazing. I’ve only played a little fucking way in so far, but it’s just fucking hilarious. Eventually you’re tasked with taking out goddamned supreme evil bad-ass Ike Sloan, and that ain’t a task for no man. Luckily you’re no man – you’re a goddamned cyber commander with some fucking cred for taking out impossible foes and shit.
That’s Michael Biehn, with some fucking stellar 80’s scifi action cred, who lends his voice to the hero. You heard he was dead? Well he ain’t, goddamn it. He chews the goddamned scenery something awful, but hey, who wouldn’t want to see someone bite into a fucking glowstick? Yeah, that’s what I thought motherfucker. You know you would have done the same when you were a kid, bite into it then throw that shit all around the fucking place.
Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon has a goddamned lot of references to your favourite movies. Shit no, your real favourite movies motherfucker – the ones you don’t even know are your favourites. The music is so Terminator you’d cry, if you weren’t such a badass. The voices are goddamned over the top, and the humour – this had me laughing my (excuse the language) butt off. The music from da choppa at the start of Predator is here, when you’re in da choppa. Colt repeats Mac’s line, “I’m gonna have me some fun.” and the goddamned nods to some fucking classic cinema do not stop there. There’s goddamned visual gags too, with the fucking crouch icon being the classic Arnie/Terminator pose as he comes back in goddamned time.
Goddamn motherfucker shit goddamn it fuck what the shit fuck fucker mothershitgoddamnfuckwhatfuck.
Oh yeah, Blood Dragon ain’t just a name. It has them. “Blood Dragons. Or BDs for short.” That’s an actual fucking quote. Now what other game has these? Big fucking glowing dinosaurs. Lasers and shit. Throwing shurikens at cyber ninjas then ripping their goddamned hearts out of their bodies and throwing it at goddamned glowing dinosaurs motherfucker shit goddamn it. YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT FUCK DAMNIT SHIT.