There’s something wrong with my writing at the moment. Besides the fact that it’s stopped happening, even as far as here goes, it feels like the past month has been a stretch of everything but my actual ability to write, and it’s hampering my progress. I haven’t been doing my muse any favours, either.
I’ve really messed up the flow of my writing, for one, having taken too long a break from it. For another, when I was, I was trying too hard to make it too many things, and the truth is it can’t be everything.
It’s an extension of this, I suppose. I think all that is something beyond me really, because it feels like every avenue is a no-win scenario. Add characters with real life equivalents, and you’re like to either succumb to demographic-specific tropes, and avoid them. Both ways are going to feel sorely lacking to somebody. If my male protagonist isn’t white, does it count if he hasn’t been prejudiced against, or vilified for his race? If it’s not relevant to the setting, due to being a different society on a different planet, does that count as real, or would it just sound like it’s a white guy with darker skin? Does he need to act differently? If there’s no difference in how he acts, is this a GOOD thing, or a BAD thing?
Damned if I know.
That sort of thinking is a dangerous path. It’s very different trying to handle that as a solitary author, as opposed to a team of writers working on a game or film attempting to be more inclusive. There’s no reason that you can’t change your characters around, but trying to manipulate the cast of characters to purposely push equality can lead to stagnation.
The blog has also been a bit slow. I finished the planning session series, and after that it was kind of difficult to find something that hadn’t been addressed enough at that point. Most of what was written only scratched the surface of what’s needed, but there was no clear topic to take on after that.
I’m somewhat tempted to write a piece of fanfiction, or just something short that doesn’t mean anything or matter. A way to just do something with the craft, instead of attempting to work on something I really care about. Perhaps stopping the challenges was a mistake. I’m not sure. There’s quite a lot to do still with every one of my writing projects, some of which are still on the first draft, and those that aren’t have a ways to go yet. Right now I feel the urge to mash something together, churn out the words, clean it up and say “yep, this is what it is.”
FF feels decent for that, but the only fictional universe I love enough to tempt me at the moment is Mass Effect, and that’s got a seriously limited potential for callback. I know I need to work on Trail more, but I’m itchy for some instant gratification (or as instant as writing something and then showing it to others gets). Writing something that nobody sees is arduous, and while I’m not doing it for fame, I’m stuck in my old ways of hiding all the words away from the world, and in doing so, doubting their quality. I can’t even call it a burn-out, because the writing waned into nothing, and then stopped completely.
It might be time for a serious challenge – either a short story, or a series of, or something new. Even considering doing so feels like I’m giving in and giving up, that I’m failing at Trail once again, and just forcing myself down a path where yet another thing gets abandoned. I’m not sure how you’re meant to stay positive about this when that’s the case, or how the hell the time even comes up. What obligations can I shut out right now so I can do something with it? Pretty much none.
Right now it’s moot (as in, this very minute), but ugh, this needs to be fixed.